God & Me
I was in my workplace and randomly somebody asked me “What is your relationship with God?”
Knowing the person’s nature I knew she may not be the best in warming up and building up to such a serious question. But she may actually want to know it.
But still I kept silent. Because I really believe that the concept God and Religion is very personal to me - by that I mean I have personalised it a lot that I don’t talk about it that much in crowds or in open.
But she was persistent and bought up the same question again, “What is your relationship with God? You didn’t tell.”
I smiled. And to be honest. I didn’t have an answer.
She only said, may be reading my smile, “It is a grey area, I know. Because you can’t go either of the extremes mostly. But my grandmother used to say, if you are a believer, you are a believer. You cannot be a logical believer. Because if there is logic, you don’t need to believe anymore.” She stopped for a moment, and looked at me, “So what is it?”
I said “The idea is that you personalise the concept of God and religion so much that you cannot explain it to others in words - it can only exist in an experiential level.”
“Give me a better answer.” She said.
“I am in search. I don’t know. Some days I am believer, some days I am not.” I replied.
“It’s like a yin yang.” She helped me put it better and I nodded.
But what was it - I started looking inward. The problem was with the question. It was not about God nor religion. It was about my relationship with God.
I started talking, trying to put it in words. “There is a story in Bible, in the Old Testament, about a guy who is fighting with the guy whole night. (It’s the story of Jacob who fights through night, if you are interested about the story).You argue, you debate and you question none other that God.”
You can’t ask questions. You can be angry and you can shout at God. You can tell on God’s face that ‘you are unfair’. You can choose to trust him one day and doubt him one day.
I said, “That freedom is my relationship with God.”
To fight. To question. To go back. To believe. To question again. To argue again. And may be to find a little bit more about myself amidst them.
And as an end note, the search is never about finding God.
It is always about finding yourself. Knowing yourself.
God exists, or not. That doesn’t change it.